I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
