i think i have herpe
just one?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I wear drunk well.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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