I am midnight drunk by noon
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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