I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think my vagina is haunted
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
