I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
