Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
