He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
