He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
