I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
