You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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