It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
