and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
whose parrot is this?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
