he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
