I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
