Cold hands, warm shart.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize