I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
