But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
