she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize