so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize