Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
