I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
