You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
