the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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