your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
