he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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