I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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