I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize