where am i from again
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
