apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
