Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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