theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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