Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
