dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
