1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dicks are not precious.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
