He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
