apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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