that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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