The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
