what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
