should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
