pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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