nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I wear drunk well.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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