There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
