isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize