I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
