so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
