Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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