I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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