Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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