OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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