hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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