I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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