just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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